The 2019 NFL Week 6 Roundup | Deep Seated Problems
The Garden has an Airline problem.
Let me explain. The TD Garden plays proud host to hockey’s Boston Bruins and the NBA’s Celtics and recently found itself overcome with emotion, hyperventilating in breathlessly promoting the completion of its much-touted and long-in-the-works $100M “Legendary Transformation” of the fabled arena. Much was billed about its redefinition of the fan experience for generations to come that was to include the addition of a communal party deck (wicked!), concourse expansion (watch yourself), and increased parking (watch my side mirror, YOU!). Well the doors were proudly flung open to the general — and paying — public in recent weeks and the response has been overwhelming: TD Garden, Are You Outta Ya Freakin’ Mind?!?! Oh, yes, the Garden has managed to redefine the fan experience so much so that those generations to come needn’t bother coming at all. After all, why pay to fold yourself into pinched discomfort when you can sprawl about at home for free? Buried in the glossy 2018 press release was mention of 500 new seats in service of enriching the fan experience. And enriching TD Garden’s coffers. Purchased were 19,580 enlarged and supremely-bolstered, upholstered House of Stark grey seats WITHOUT (cough, cough) cup holders. So while the width has remained the same, each seat has grown in all other dimensions. And as physics will dictate, what generous padding and proportions giveth, available leg and knee space taketh away. Look for yourselves at this lovely hug that the Garden embraces you with. There is a reason prototype seating options are commissioned, installed, tested, focus-grouped and repeated until the faces of all parties involved are plastered with smiles. The Garden skipped this time-tested process and instead opted to just paint smiles onto the faces of their accountant’s spreadsheets. Lest you worry, The Garden has heard from their vocal fans and have committed to turning things around. Literally. Management has decided that adjusting the angling of each seat will unleash the missing foot room apparently from some underworld accessible from the anterior-side of each seat. We’ll see how that works out as Celtics fans make their way in droves to games when the NBA season commences in about a week’s time. One thing is for sure: griping will continue unimpeded in equal parts for the seats and the choices made by the occupants of said seats. You can’t have it all in life but you certainly can give it all you’ve got when grousing about among the more inane things in day-to-day living in 2019. Especially so for those who call home the city that birthed the Revolutionary War. And we all know how that turned out. TD Garden, if you’re listening, don’t have yourself an airline problem. Just have yourself a cup of Tea whilst you consider your options. Just sayin.
Turning now to Week 6 gameplay, there are similar rumblings of revolutions making themselves known in plain sight. Lamar Jackson is among those year-on-year revolutionary players as he surprisingly morphed from a fierce ground-passer to a fierce throw-passer this year. Well as things are wont to go, Lamar bounced back from an off-week and relished in returning to his much-revered ground game. With 200 passing yards and 150 rushing yards, Lamar became just the 2nd QB in NFL history (after Colin Kaepernick) to grasp this achievement. Naysays are quick to point out his reversion to the past. But it’s not a bad thing to have both options to pick from at any given moment in time. Plus, the Raven won against the lowly Bengals 17–23. And they sit atop the AFC North. Purists be damned said the whole of the Baltimore fan base. Over in Kansas City, there are nervous murmurings of what’s going on with Patrick Mahomes. For the second game in a row, he was kept to less than 25 points this time at the hands of the Texans. While Mahomes threw for 273 yards, 3TDs and 1 sore ankle, at least KC fans can call upon the productive return of WR Tyrek Hill as a sign of hope. They’ll have to hang on to that sliver of faith as the Chiefs find themselves in the unlikely position of underdog (in the AFC anyhow). AS to the Texans, Deshaun Watson and crew put together a convincing show of force at just the time their Houston fans needed it most. Interestingly, the Texans and Chiefs remain #1 in their respective Divisions.
On Sunday, Tampa Bay hosted the Panthers and found out the hard way how brightly Kyle Allen shines in Cam Newton’s absence. Carolina found his sheen to be blinding, 37–26. Throwing 20/32, 227 yards 2TDS, Kyle is on a tear leading the Bucks to 4 Ws in a row. In contrast, Jameis Winston despite throwing for 500 yards threw for 5 interceptions. He’s collected 86 of them in the last 5 years, topping the League in this dubious measure. In an eerily-similar corollary, the Brownies hosted the Seahawks and found out the hard way how brightly Russell Wilson’s star shines on its very own. With yet another outstanding outing (23/33, 299 yards) and in-contention for this year’s MVP, Wilson played with measured, efficient precision and was a study in near perfection. In contrast, Browns QB Baker Mayfield, well, was not. He was sloppy as was the whole lot of ’em. Unfortunate especially considering OBJ throw off yet another solid effort. Can a shout be heard in a vacuum? Can’t tell because we can’t hear Odell.
Meanwhile, the NFL’s own Revolutionary War is playing out on the West Coast where it looked like Freaky Friday on Sunday. The 9ers crushed the Rams 20–7 and remain among the only two teams still undefeated (wee see you, Pats). What a difference a year makes, no? Jimmy Garoppolo, freshly back this year from injury, is BACK. And his presence seems to be elevating those around him for they managed to put a cast iron lid on Jared Goff’s production (13/24, just 78!!! Yards). LA’s offensive line will seeming now let anyone through with the exception of the mailman. Whatever the case, The Rams are in trouble and at 3–3 are running mercilessly short of time to turn things around if they have any hope for post-season action. AS to the 49ers? Well, carry on good sirs. Carry on! Over in New York, Dallas suffered a case of the Rams blues in their loss to the Jets, 22–24. Dak had a decent game but the big news was the highly trumpeted return of Jets QB Sam Darnold. You’ll recall Sam’s recent bout with the kissing disease, Mono. Well he’s back now and strategically padded to protect his still-enlarged spleen from injury. Wow and what a return did Sam have. In the first half, the Jets scored 3 TDS alone. That’s more than their first 4 games combined. Add into the mix Le’Veon Bell and you’ve got the recipe for the makings of a Jets’ fan’s smile. Oh they’re still 1–4 but at least Sam is back. AS to the Cowboys, who at 3–3 on the Season have got their work cut out for them despite their #1 ranking in an ugly NFC East.
An finally in round-robin fashion, The Pats dispatched of the Giants with crisp German efficiency. Upstart QB Daniel Jones was no match for Tom Brady but then again who is? Washington played Miami in the much-talked-about Barf/Toilet Bowl; a game that lived down to its billing. The Fins ended up retaining pole position for #1 pick in the 2020 Draft, 17–16. Washington, with a fresh head coach and yet another QB starter, can at least point to having thrown a W up on the board. And to another great Adrian Peterson outing. But we laypeople will point the Skins to their cross-town Nats as to what unadulterated success looks like in the flesh. And the Skins would not disagree. In fact, they’d be among the first to hoist that broom from the utility closet ahead of tonight’s Cards game at Nats Park. And speaking of Card, the OTHER Cards team won AGAIN. Kyler Murray looks to now just be hitting his stride helping to off the Falcons, 34–33. ATL QB Matt Ryan, too, had a great game but was in the end unable to overcome a homegrown scattershot Defense. Lastly, NOLA was able to finally snuff out — at least temporarily — Gardner Minshew II mania in their win over the Jags, 16–13. Teddy Bridgewater and Team roll on unhindered by the absence of Drew Brees and omnipresence of exaggerated Minshew mustachioed fans as far the 1970’s eye could see. While affixed with an L, the most interesting man in the League swims about freely in a atmosphere where his reputation proceeds him. Glub glub, Gardner. Glub glub.
