The 2019 NFL Week 8 Roundup | Rose Colored Sunglasses
The morose look on centerfielder Gerardo Parra’s face pretty much sums it all up, in sharp contrast to Baby Shark’s zany googley-eyed exuberance hanging mid-net oblivious to the implosion that is currently befalling Nats ahead of a must-win Game 6 tonight in Houston.
Having lost three games in succession at home, one ace pitcher in a neck-spasm-afflicted Max Scherzer, and a trio of scantily-clad-then-not (!!) over-eager distraction-focused Instamodels — permanently — DC’s home team find itself steeply back on their heels and supremely down on its luck. IN perhaps the longest 210 minute United flight of their lives yesterday, the Nats landed in Houston with fresh mental resolve, newly replenished physical and tactical prowess and the mouth-watering promise of a free Doritos Locos taco courtesy Taco Bell’s long-running and well-regarded Steal a Base Steal a Taco promotion. The Astros on the other hand hope not to repeat the embarrassing starts of Game 1 and 2. Either way, the 2019 MLB Season and World Series begins its concluding run tonight on Fox 8pm, 7 Central.
Just a quick aside, you’ll note from the above picture Gerardo Parra’s now-signature and much-revered red-bespectacled look. You’d be forgiven for assuming some type of timely and clever Ray-Ban paid product placement to be at hand. It’s not. Or perhaps one would also be quick to presume that the person who single-handedly launched Sharkmania to the adoring masses (and his bespoke Babyyyyyy Shark-do-do-do-do-do, Babyyyyyy Shark-do-do-do-do-do, Baby Sharkkkkkkk! Walk-up into) would be the one to similarly catapult the debut offering from a high-end NYC eyewear designer to instant fame and subsequent sellout. He didn’t. And to think like this to completely NOT know baseball, much less Gerardo Parra. The sunglasses that Gerardo has made a part of the national conversation sport clear frames and ruby red polycarbonate lenses all wrapped in classic wayfarer style, one of the rare frame types to complement all face symmetries. The designer? Bubly Sparkling Water, wholly owned and operated by PepsiCo. It seems that Gerardo picked up these freebie giveaway sunglasses back in June when visiting the Tigers on a road trip. It was this trip that began for the Nats an epic string of Wins that would ultimately lead to tonight. Of course then these sunglasses where instantly proclaimed to be lucky charms. So much so that Fernando Rodney and Aniblal Sanchez don their yellow-lensed versions every moment they can to do what they can to make smile Lady Luck. Ever in the interest of democratizing fashion and good juju, what is a Nats fan to do since these sunglasses are impossible to find or purchase anywhere online or on-foot? Well you call on the Bubly Sparling Water Company and demand your Parraglasses. So demand you did and Parraglasses you got. It was reported that the Bubly Sparling Water marketing buzz team was out in full force at Nats Park over the weekend and gifted tens of thousands of Parraglasses to fans across all three game nights. Now all you have to do is look to your left and to your right. Yep, those Parraglasses you see on your neighbors come tomorrow will either hide the Tears of a million sobs or shield onlookers from the glare of a 1000 suns fueled purely by visions of the first Nats World Series victory in nearly a century! Blinded by the light, indeed 😊.
Turning now to Week 8 in review, there was the glare of 1000 suns as thrown off by the absurdly radiant 49ers who thrashed the Panthers, 51–13. Jimmy Garoppolo & Co once again demonstrated that a skilled, dominant defense and offense coalesce into a perfect firestorm that no amount of fire retardant can suppress. Certainly you couldn’t suppress SF Running Back Tevin Coleman who had a particularly explosive outing with 118 yards from scrimmage and 4 TDs. Pity then poor Carolina who did what they could just to not get singed. And with CAR QB Kyle Allen, the bloom is obviously off the rose (19/37, 198 yards). All together the Panthers slide to 4–3 on the Season while San Francisco soars to 7–0 with the Post-Season (and Super Bowl) set clearly in their sights. Who’s laughing at Kyle Shanahan now? In the same vein, the only other unbeaten Team, the Pats, called lights-out on the Brownies, 27–13. To look at this game would be to distill the first quarter: 3 Turnovers and 17–0 start. Fumble. Fumble. CLE QB Baker Mayfield INT. Ouch is just the beginning. And it all goes to show you that while everyone in their heart-of-hearts kinda roots for the Cleve comeback kid, sometimes the whole really is not the sum of its disjointed and mismatched dust bin parts. The Pats with a tepid schedule thus far glide to 8–0, the Brownies stumble to 2–5.
Down in the Big Easy, the Big News was the return of Drew Brees whose arrival sidelined shining star Teddy Bridgewater who himself did much to quell fan speculation as to future succession plans (so long as Teddy stays in NOLA) and simply keeping the WIN machine oiled and humming in the King’s absence. While Teddy played admirably for a backup QB, the return of Drew reminded fans and those in the League that no matter the injury, Drew simply is a QB of a different order. Throwing 34/43, 373 yards and 3TDs, Brees didn’t skip a pigskin beat in seamlessly joining — and enjoining — regularly scheduled programming already in destructive progress. And at the foot of such a tidal wave, the hardy Cards never really had a chance. Rookie QB Kyler Murray played David to Drew’s Goliath. Kyler’s 19/33, 220 yards and 0TDs highlighted the disparity. For ARI, there’s always next week. For the Saints, there’s revenge to be had in the Post-Season. Down in Houston, the Texans eeked out a win over RaiderNation, 27–24. It was an ugly sort of game that saw (maybe “saw” is the wrong descriptor here?) HOU QB Deshaun Watson literally get kicked in the eyeball and STILL make the TD and Defensive End JJ Watt tear his pectoral muscle (wait, whaaaat) in concluding his thus-far mediocre Season with the Texans. It wasn’t always a foregone conclusion that the Texans would prevail but in the end the Raiders lived down to fan expectations of bewildered disappointment.
And speaking of disappointment, Broncos at Colts will be remembered as a game decided by kickers. AndJoe Flacco. IND veteran kicker Adam Vinatieri came through with successive 55/45/51 yard attempts and came away ludicrously successful; this from a kicker who was — was — considering hanging up his cleats at Season-end. Looking to mimic Adam’s steeliness, Broncos kicker Eddy Pineiro in answer attempted a 41 yard FG his very own with mere seconds left in the game and wouldntchaknowit it sailed wide as did the matchup sealing Denver’s fate. They lost by 2 points, underscoring their 2–6 record on the Season. Which leads us to one Joseph Flacco who made his extreme displeasure with the DEN state of affairs publicly known, Head Coach, Offensive Coordinator and all. And then just yesterday the bombshell news that Flacco might be out for the remainder of the Season owing to a herniated disc. NO conspiracy theories here, folks. But I’m sure these two matters are completely unrelated. One need not imagine the metaphorical back aches resulting in the internecine drama unfolding before our very eyes in the Broncos Back Office. This much is true — we’re gonna need some more Aleve here. Not in need of any Aleve? The Jags who powered over the Jets, 29–15. JAX, home of Minshewmania and progenitor Gardner Minshew III, punched their NYJ ticket who themselves are in pure shambles. Emblematic of this disease is newly-returned QB Sam Darnold who disappointed yet again (21/30 218 yards, 2TDs and 3 INTs) and is not the leader this squad needs to rally around to lift the boat out of the harbor. He might as well have been playing in a hospital gown; perhaps that might have engendered some much-needed good will. Or perhaps not. Anyhow, His off-field antics (Mono, enlarged spleen, recent toenail removal, sprained thumb, “seeing ghosts”) are not helping matters. Gardner, by turn, is a Norse Hero of mythic proportions who delivers wins and style in equally outlandish parts. Rumors of Nick Foles’ imminent return in a few week is at this point too much to consider as the mere suggestion is waved off for another time for another day. Looks like JAX might have a NOLA problem but without the Drew Brees part.
And finally in Round Robin fashion, Green Bay knocked off a surprisingly resilient non-Mahomes KC, 31–24. The two Aarons (Rodgers, Jones) dominated and backup KC QB Matt Moore (who was a California high school Assistant coach but 2 months ago) performed more than respectably. That Aaron Rodgers is BACK is the understatement of the week and the story of the last two. Elsewhere, the Eagles easily snuffed out the fading Bills in a very windy Buffalo and the Titans outlasted the Bucks, 27–23, in a game that witnessed Jameis Winston on the wrong side of yet another steep gradient. The Rams won in London, the Skins lost — AGAIN — as did the badly slinking Falcons. Three years removed from a Super Bowl do not look kindly upon this former ghost of a Team where once a powerhouse presided. And just in time for Halloween, no less, for better or worse I suppose.
