From 2018 The Archive| Final Descent
You know, it’s never a good sign when “Cabin Service” is suspended on any routine plane flight, domestic or otherwise.Such was the case with da Comish’s return leg to Dulles from Los Angeles on America’s favorite airline, United Airlines.Everything started out normally enough and as one would expect of any typical flight. But as you will learn, typical was NOT United Airlines flight 360.
The boarding process was smooth, orderly and ahead of schedule. So much ahead of schedule that we left the gate early because all ticketed passengers where in their assigned seats with tray tables and seatbacks in their full and upright positions. Naturally, the cabin doors were closed and cross-checked by flight attendants in short order. Our taxi time was minimal with a rolling takeoff where there was no one ahead of us in queue; VERY unusual for LAX. The ascent toour cruising altitude of 33,000 feet was unremarkable (which is a good thing I guess) as it was (for the better part of) the duration of flight. I though it very odd in terms of turbulence, notably its absence. Level flight that was smooth as glass pushed with an extraordinary tail wind that found LA to DC in under 4 hours. Yes we were cookin’. UNTIL. Until the captain made that cautionary announcement about Cabin Service being terminated out of an abundance of caution. You see, he wanted plenty of time for flight attendants to button down the cabin ahead of some “reported bumps” ahead. I pulled my earphones out and remarked to my seatmate that there was no possible way this was a good thing. Like, what about my ceremonial Christmas Coca-Cola? Spoiler alert: there would be no soft drinks for me.
Well, our flight team had other goals in mind as the Captain continued on mentioning that there would be some chop on descent due to some unusually high winds aloft. Yes, there were some straighline winds down on the ground but to get to them, we’d have to first navigate a thick layer of busy air currents between cruising altitude and the runway. Terrific,huh? And in navigating this “chop” it was best to not have flight attendants up and about with hundred pound carts freewheeling through the air. So button down the cabin they did. A hushed quiet overcame the cabin for this last 45 minutes of flight time unsure of what lay beneath. Now da Comish is an okay flier, but admittedly gets a little weird with moderate to extreme turbulence. It’s a whole thing that began with an American Airlines flight over the Grand Canyon a few years back that lost what seemed to be massive altitude due to clear air turbulence. You never forget the look of fear in a flight attendant. I first learned of that look over the Grand Canyon. Anyways, ever since then da Comish is a touch sensitive when turbulence warnings are telegraphed to passengers — especially if da Comish IS a passenger.
It all started calmly enough with not a sound out of the cabin other than the steady, machined growl of the twin General Electric turbofan engines. And then the bumps, intermittent at first, became more rhythmic before complete surrender to linear jostling. At first this jostling was of the mild up and down, side to side garden variety that we are all used to. Then we started catching major air. And air pockets galore. There were dramatic upheavals where the plane’s upward thrust was best measured in stories, not feet or inches. Naturally, this was met with an equally stomach churning plummet as the Captain tried his best to manage the air jetties as if a paper airplane in a beastly wind tunnel.This theatrical up and down churning continued just until touchdown. For those of you good at math, yes that’s another 40 some odd minutes, grueling every second of it. Remarkably, there were no shouts or complaining babies as you would expect from similar scenes readily found on youtube or the movies. There were audible gasps but no screaming.As if to add insult to injury, to get from our direction to one in line with the runway, a series of sweeping turns would be required. IN normal weather, these banks would be performed with little more to offer than great views. This was not normal weather. These sweeping turns seemed to have the unwanted effect of magnifying these busy air currents. So not only were we wildly bucking up and down and shifting side-to-side but we were also treated to these fantastic undulations while banking at ever increasing angles. Those G-forces we all learned in Physics we FELT on that plane. When we finally got down to the runway, remember we still had yet to deal with those stubborn, straightline winds. And deal with them we did. Here, the bucking and shifting was displaced with a wings topsy-turvy approach best approximated by an irregular, offbeat metronome. The Captain touched down hard on terra firma to ensure maximum braking capability coupled with our reverse-thrusters.
This was not a white-knuckle descent, folks. This was no-knuckle descent. But we were delivered safely and were made aware of what to expect by a first-rate United flight team as deeply professional as they were warmly empathetic and understanding. And for that I thank United tremendously. That spotty wi-fi? Not so much! In any event, please remember that while the Captain, First and Second Officers, Lead Purser and all flight attendants are present to make our flying experience as comfortable as possible, their first priority is always SAFETY. Safety is no accident, after all! So just a little buttoned up anecdote from my Christmas travels from my hometown of Los Angeles.
Where have you guys been? I’ve missed all of you…
We have lots to catch up on what with Weeks 15 and 16 now in the books. We have teams who have clinched with this latest round of Christmas weekend games yet there was one clinch of note we all saw coming from a Cleveland mile away. Yes, by now you’ve learned that our beloved Brownies have officially clinched the #1 draft pick in next year’s Draft. And they did so at a faster (and then record) clip than they managed last year. Dubious, I know. And I don’t know if a few first round draft picks will right the ship but for a ship to float, those leaky holes gotta be plugged. The question is, are there enough plugs and is the right assortment of plugs in the plug toolkit? The CLE ship makes is last ports-o-call in Pittsburgh where things will go just as well as you’d expect. And hey, what going on at both ends of my Golden State. The Rams clinched their first Division title largely on the back of Todd Gurley who has been throwing off MVP-caliber performances all season long. The Rams see this title as their first since 2003 (St. Louis) and 1985 (as the Rams in Anaheim). Meanwhile upstate in San Francisco, hotshot upstart Jimmy Garoppolo has transformed the 9ers into an all-of-a-sudden white hot team having barnstormed his newfound team to four straight wins. The 9ers now hold the NFL’s longest current winning streak. Turnarounds don’t come much better than this. Too bad it’s all happening wayyy too late to make a bit of difference. But at the very least, their starting QB puzzle has been solved emphatically. Period. Dot. End of sentence.
Elsewhere, Kirk Cousins might have possibly played his last home game for the Skins. Suuuure the Skins won in an unthrilling victory of a slumping Denver, but the QB question mark hanging menacingly over Washington does hometown fans no good as this Season ends with yet another whimper amid a yet another chorus of familiar what-coulda-beens. That early Christmas gift Dallas had been eyeing in Ezekiel Elliott’s hoped-for triumphant return yielded a stocking full of Lone Start coal. Not that it wasn’t for lack of trying. Zeke performed solidly but Dak Prescott, in a word, didn’t. Dak was intercepted twice in a 21–12 season-ending loss to Seattle. He was intercepted three times if you count his dreams of reaching the playoffs. Too soon? Nonsense. Everything is always bigger in Texas. Such are the losses and resulting stings. But hooray to New Orleans, Panthers and uneven Chiefs in having officially made the playoffs. Three remaining spots will be settled this weekend. So we’ll see what develops as we turn to Week 17 shall we?
