The 2022 NFL Week 5 Roundup | Hook, Line & Stinker
Angler Anger
Gordon Park is nondescript 122-acre outdoor recreational area nestled quietly along the southern shore of Lake Erie just 8 miles from downtown Cleveland. Its small, protected harbor offers 86 small-craft slips and a bustling boat launch facility at the terminus of East 72nd street. Gordon Park is the traditional and locally well-known launching off point for all manner of marine activities that take full advantage of the natural splendor and bountiful resources of the 11th largest lake in the world. Gordon Park also happens to be ground zero for a ripped-from-the-headlines fishing tournament scandal that erupted into instant uproar less than two weeks ago. A gentleman’s code of conduct, a gaggle of jacked fish that looked as if they’d been hitting the SpongeBob SquarePants gym, a trail of stemwinding untoward conduct and over $300K in suspect prize winnings. And a juicy reveal on weigh-in day that will forever distill angler sentiment in a laidback sport unaccustomed to rogue waves. WE got a live one, here!
But first, let’s talk pescado! Walleye is a freshwater fish that was nearly consumed out of existence from the Great Lakes over the past several decades before aggressive hatchery management restored thriving walleye populations regionwide. Olive-gold in hue, walleye count themselves among the larger freshwater fish species in North America which can grow to about 31 inches in length weighing in at up to 20 pounds. They prefer murky, wind-whipped highly oxygenated waters during spawning season and cool, crystalline waters brushing up against deeper shoreline drop-offs come Spring. They’re also good eating. Mild in flavor and blessed with a fine flake, walleye are known for their sweet, subtle flavor, buttery mouthfeel and firm yet delicate texture. If you don’t like fishy taste then walleye is for you. Overfishing, invasive species, habitat degradation and pollution are now hopefully a thing of the past where estimated populations in Lake Erie alone exceed 151M fish. To this day, there remains a strict daily 6 walleye limit per person; any walleye under 15 inches must be thrown back into the azure waters from whence they were plucked.
Fishing, whether for sport or leisure, is prefaced upon personal integrity and an uncompromising allegiance and respect for Mother Nature. These qualities also happen to be the founding principles for the Lake Erie Walleye Tournament, the final event of the 2022 season that brings with it a sponsor-rich $30K purse. Held across September 30 and October 1, this year’s Lake Erie Walleye Tournament drew more than 70 two-person teams who each ponied up a $400 entrance fee. The rules were simple: bring in the heaviest catch of five fish and/or the single heaviest walleye you can reel in. Only six rods in the water at a time, only one lure presentation per rod and the entire contiguous waters of Lake Erie defined the watery field of play. Fair and simple with the first word encapsulated in quotes. The two-day tournament was feted with threatening rain-driven gusty winds and whitecaps on Saturday which cut in half catch-time on the lake. Due to weather-born safety, boats were called back to Gordon Park on Saturday morning for the official weigh-in and prize disbursement.
For all Teams, Friday was a tough day and night. The walleye were simply not biting. And the ones that did were not of trophy size massive enough to merit bragging rights let alone perceived competitiveness. Be it the impending stormy weather, humbling reality or the cruel humor of Mother Nature, the 2022 Lake Erie Walleye Tournament was penciling to be a bust weigh-in after weigh-in. Some teams came back completely empty-handed. This would NOT be the case for Team Jake Runyan and Chase Cominsky. They carefully docked their boat under grey clouds and trudged up to the judging stage slinging fish upon fish upon fish. Competitors looked side-eyed at the duo and their unlikely haul as the real storm clouds began to in. Jason Fischer, the tournament’s director, quickly eyed Jake and Chase’s quintet of walleye and confidently declared each 5-pound cookie-cutters, referring to the average weight of the specimens the Team would present for judging. Jason, a former cop, spent his life on the lake and could effortlessly — and accurately — foretell a walleye’s physical attributes from sight alone. Jake Runyan’s catch looked plain vanilla to Jason so it was shocking to him and onlookers when Jake’s heaviest fish topped the scales at an eye-popping 7.9 pounds, nearly double the weight of a typical walleye of similar size. Adding to the incredulity, Jake’s 5-fish collection topped the scales at 33.91 pounds, more than 4.5 pounds heavier than the next runner up. Unbelieving his own eyes, Jason was left with no choice but to announce Jake the winner of the Tournament and the $30K prize that came with it.
Faint applause accompanied the announcement along with barbed looks aimed directly at the triumphant pair. But Jason had a second act and asked Jake to hang back for a photo opportunity with the winning fish. Jason then asked to inspect the fish, a request that Jake resisted forcefully. To Jason, the walleye just looked OFF. For fish of such normal size, their masses were simply incredible. And beyond that, they just looked funny as if they had worked out in a cartoon gym. In short, the fish were defined in all the wrong places. And that’s when Jason began prodding and probing the catch. He squeezed their bellies, pinched the bodies, poked the flesh, and immediately felt artificial abnormalities — suspect dense masses, confirming his worst suspicions. He next asked for a knife and opened up the walleye only to discover leaded, oblong weights later amounting to 7.58 pounds. The slimy, dark weights thudded to the ground one by one with each landing with more disgusted outrage than the last. The final artificial weight shook Gordon Park. Jake stood emotionless as his undoing and reputation completely unraveled in real-time. Jason disgorged all the weights and furiously threw his fist to the air and exclaimed “We’ve got weights in fish!” Countless expletives later and seething uproar from the thickening ring of enraged competitors complete a picture of naked disgrace and humiliation. As the crowd moved in on the cheating team, law enforcement offered just enough time for the duo to escape to their trucks and eternal indignation. But where this is smoke, there is a fish fire. Team Jake and Chase’s purported largess was immediately called into question including their past $300K in winnings. Included in this purse are the 2021 Lake Erie Walley Tournament from just last year, the Rossford Walleye Roundup from this past Spring and the 2021 Walleye Slam, each of which Team Jake would go on to win. Just how deep and far-reaching was their deceit? An unknowable truth lost to the depths of Lake Erie. If only fish could talk.
Even despite required polygraph tests, one of which the pair reportedly failed, Tournament organizers past and present are searching for ways to legally claw back the prize money. Criminal charges are likely but any next steps are up to the Ohio Department of Natural Resources, the agency with jurisdiction over this ugly turn of events. Jake and Chase have long been suspected of wrongdoing by eagle-eyed peers who never found much credence in the pair’s unbelievable luck, tournament after tournament. Onlookers always harbored doubts and found their success as beyond impossible yet made do with humble stew for years but for the absence a smoking gun. Jason Fischer unmasked the fraud and hand-delivered to the sport fishing world heaps of sad introspection. To ward off future treachery, full scale catch X-rays, magnetometers, mandatory specimen inspection and random boating inspections are all being considered to wall-in what Father Time has molded over the millennia to be a carefree, time-honored, gentleperson’s sport. More proof that bad actors continue to prevent the rest of us from having nice things. And to impugn the fine name and reputation of the embattled walleye in fruitless efforts at extending misdeeds? Two words: GO fish!
Turning now to Week5 in the NFL we see lots of hopefuls trawling for trophy WINS only to see their nets returning entangled with worn leather shoes, plastic bags and sad trombones. Others with more convincing lures reeled in gold. Count Americas Team among the latter. The Cowboys whipsawed into SoFi where the diluted Rams were found looking in the mirror nervously. The nerves were well-founded with the classic Cowboys Defense hammering the faltering Super Bowl champs. LA’s Matt Stafford was sacked five times with the offense saved only by the durable Cooper Kupp. Cooper might have saved the Rams offense from complete letdown but he couldn’t save the day. DAL would go on to crack the mirror LA looked so deeply into, 22–10, and with it cruise to their 4th WIN in a row. The new powerhouse in the NFC West continues to surprise where the 49ers took on the Panthers in Charlotte and delivered another victory albeit at the hands of a rapidly crumbling Carolina squad. Jimmy G delivered another solid, professional outing while so-so (at best) QB Baker Mayfield suffered a high ankle sprain and his coach Matt Rhule received a pink slip. A 1–4 start will do that. The Team’s high draft position looks to be intact next year.
Over in Green Bay, the unthinkable. What everyone thought to be a gimme for the Packers melted into humiliation. And to have the Giants of all teams Fedex the embarrassment to their front doorstep? Indignity of indignities. Despite a double-digit lead at halftime, GB’s offense sputtered to a halt at precisely the time Daniel Jones floored the accelerator. The Team’s Defense similarly received the memo snuffing out Aaron Rodgers’ season-long weakened O. The result? An unlikely 4–1 start for New York and also-ran status for Green Bay. Whatever Coach Brian Daboll is cooking up in the Big Apple, fans are ravenously eating it up. The floor that everyone expects to collapse with every passing week counterintuitively reinforces itself. Over in Cleveland, the Browns jumped out to and early and convincing lead but the steam was let out and the Team allowed a reentry opportunity for Justin Herbert; an opportunity his Chargers took full advantage of. The Brownies had the game in the bag but for a crucial missed field goal and went on to lose, 28–30, by the tightest of margins. The Chargers remain the stronger of SoCal’s teams, at 3–2, while CLE nurses their second loss in a row. UP in Buffalo, 2022 Draft pick Kenny Pickett debuted for the Steelers (fresh from Pitt) impressively (34/52 327yards 1 INT), Bills windstorm notwithstanding. BUF QB Josh Allen threw for another 424 yards and 4TDs in a masterclass outing that poor Kenny would be hard pressed not to learn from. Not helping matters was a languid PIT defense. The resulting 38–3 Steelers drubbing startled even the most fair-weather of fans as the Team’s record clocks in at an uncharacteristic 1–4.
In our Round Robin, famed opera singer/kicker Justin Ticker bailed his Ravens out of near-certain trouble at the literal last second with an outrageous 52 yard field goal which left the Bengals chasing their tails, 19–17. The Eagles fly on, undefeated, after the Cards put on a hometown show pulling out all the stops save for a critical and formerly dependable Defensive lever. The Pats shutout the Lions 29–0, a team that inconceivably was the League’s highest scoring squad through last week. The (s)crappy team offered a typical Jared Godd revision to the mean in stark contrast to his star turn just a week prior. That inconsistency explains why he’s traded in Santa Monica Blvd for 7 Mile Road. Not sure how much more heartache Miami fans can stomach, but another week and another instance of concussive protocol. This time for backup QB Teddy Bridgewater who was pulled in the first quarter. Third string Skylar Thompson laced up to a predictable outcome, 17–40, where internet-famous Zach Wilson’s Jets took full advantage of the chaos. Down in the Crescent City, the Saints were led interestingly by multi-hyphenate Taysom Hill who took full command of his trademark ground game. The opposing Hawks benefited from Geno Smith’s strongest showing yet but ended up on the losing end of the equation nevertheless, 32–39. Tom Brady and his Bucs eked out another W, WAS continues to drown and the Jags picked an inconvenient time for QB Trevor Lawrence to rapidly decelerate. The terrible Texans thank them tremendously for allowing their first victory of the season, and by extension, an early Christmas. They needn’t get used to the charity.
