The 2020 NFL Week 7 Roundup | Cheer Goggles

What’s a Party Without a Little Champagne?

There’s an unmistakable searing pain you’ll experience when your eyes are jetted with a firehose of ultra fizzy champagne foam that you’ll likely never forget. The twin paradoxical sensations of soothing ice-cold kinetic gravity-defying rivulets of inebriating rapids paired with their acidic low-pH composition command your reflexes to at once bask longingly in delight and recoil repulsively in pain. That wide-eyed expression of joy quickly melts into a river of instinctive dilutive tears. It’s natural and it’s your body’s way of telling you: Hey, Knock if Off! While getting sprayed in the face with a stream of Champagne might seem the stuff of hypothetical irreverence to you and me, it’s an occupational hazard and a bona fide rite of passage for those elite athletes among us. You’ve seen them routinely and gushingly on ESPN SportsCenter highlight reels, Team Twitter feeds and on an Insta post or two. Heck, you might have even learned more about this time-tested ritual from ME a touch over a year ago. But as with all things smashed into 2020, Covid has reoriented and flattened all the FUN and jubilee that have become hallmarks of crowning sporting achievement in recent decades. I meannnnnnn, has a sports Team really accomplished anything until a poorly sealed $2000 boom mic is saturated with Moet & Chandon effervescence, destroying it to a drowning lo-fi bubbled hollering soundtrack in a Team locker room? Well, by that metric then we’ve ALL lost.

Take for example, this year’s MLB post-season. Under traditional circumstances, each stage of the qualifying post-season would be feted with a Champagne Reign populated with yards upon yards of 4-mil industrial-strength protective floor-to-ceiling plastic sheeting, overflowing tubs-full of branded Champagne and beer soaking in icy baths and apprehensive news crews fronted by beat reporters breathlessly shouting rote queries to ski-goggled millionaire professional athletes exhorting and swaggering with all the giddiness of say, ski-goggled millionaire professional athletes christened under a downpour of $148 magnums of Moet Imperial Golden Luminous Champagne and 87 cent cans of Bud Light beer. Unfamiliar to the 2020-flavored version of this time-honored celebratory custom are the Teams who muscled through the regular Season to emerge victorious. This includes the Yankees, the Padres, the Astros the Braves, ALCS Champions Tampa Bay Rays and NLCS Champs LA Dodgers. The medical overlords at MLB’s head offices in consultation with the Union (MLBPA) snuffed out any would-be public displays of braggadocio that violated the League’s strict masking, social distancing and gathering policies; Unsound Conduct, to use the League’s words.

And so OUT went the indoor alcohol-infused TV-fronted ragers underwritten by and LVMH (Moet & Chandon Owner) and AB InBev’s (Bud Light Owner) cash and encouragement, and IN rushed outdoor Break-Dancing Challenges, confetti cannons and miles upon miles of stilly string. A rapid reversal of the tide that nevertheless embodied every ounce of blissful elation of its 2019 and before version, if a bit couched in comically uncharacteristic restraint. The Yankees, upon clinching a spot in the Playoffs on Sept 20th, were seen later that evening clinking flutes in the lobby of the Westin Buffalo with a short champagne toast before reaffixing their masks and escaping to a private on-site steak dinner. The Rays for their part low-key partied and began their now signature and viral Dance Challenges outside Citi Field choreographed perfectly to their Team plane’s mechanically delayed departure. Meanwhile at the Four Seasons Las Colinas, Justin Turner of the Dodgers, cocooned within a triple-ring layer of MLB-provided security, staged a friendly takeover of the Agave Pool & Bar to reflect privately with teammates and Team personnel while sipping Four Corners Brewing El Chingon IPAs and snacking on fat cap smoked brisket sliders. So yah, not a ski goggle or even a hint of irresponsible overindulgence in sight. Unless you’re counting calories, that is!

Which is precisely what the MLB and MLBPA had in mind when their Covid guidelines were drawn up this Spring (and tested mercilously in the Summer by teams including the Marlins and Reds). Mellow merriment; approachable and relatable celebrations; NO League-sanctioned super spreader events. With all these ingredients sturdily mixed with a cocktail straw, the 2020 regular and post Seasons have rolled out to unabashed success. The Owners collect their diminished broadcast revenues. The athletes get to play ball and earn a pro-rated paycheck. And fans get to see America’s Pastime on primetime and beyond. Say what you will about the merits of a shortened 60-games regular Season or the asterisked accomplishments of barreling through the post-Season, but Baseball found its footing and dashed confidently through the fog of the unknown into the Sun. And in a nice post script nod to tradition, the MLB has authorized an on-field Champagne and beer celebration at the conclusion of the 2020 World Series (either tonight or tomorrow). So keep you eyes peeled for a familiar return to sudsy exuberance. After all, the World Series Champions cannot be properly coronated without all the unalloyed pageantry and trappings becoming of Baseball’s royal esteemed tradition. So yes that implies the worthy reemergence of imperially icy tubs of Moet and Bud Light atop a brightly illuminated Field of Dreams. Turns out that pricey boom mic might yet see a liquidy death; and that Champagne-rich cascade of glee might still induce eye burn but this time the only tears prompted will be tears of joy. Ski goggles strictly optional.

Turning now to Week 7 in the NFL as we approach the mid-point of the Season, it’s clearly wayyyy too early to talk of what NFL Team celebrations look like in January and much less who will be hosting them and by doing so potentially violating NFL safety protocols. While ski goggles will be a welcome accessory to any a World Series Champ’s arsenal in Arlington, horse blinders might have been a more appropriate choice for those watching the Dallas-Washington matchup this past Sunday at FedEx Field. The 3–25 final score in WAS’s favor was ugly enough but losing concussed DAL backup QB Andy Dalton to a cheap shot intentional helmet-to-helmet hit courtesy WAS LB Jon Bostic was as egregious as it was tragic. Adding to the horror, not one Cowboy in the hit’s immediate aftermath came to Andy’s defense who laid in pain on the field. More to come on this mind-boggling series of events next week. Anyhow For those keeping count, the Cowboys are now on their 3rd QB (Ben DiNucci) in a month’s time. With an error-prone Offense and a Defense a leaky as a sieve, a storm is a-brewin’ and ain’t NO umbrella in sight (in affected Texas accent). Up at Gillette Stadium in Foxborough, wind-whipped waves have now nearly sunk the SS Belichick who with a stinging 33–6 loss to the 49ers earns his worst start in two decades. QB Cam Newton is stunningly now in free fall (9/15 98 yards 0TDs 3 INTs) and is tugging New England’s once-vaunted Offense with him. Jimmy G, one time progeny of and QB-in -waiting for the Pats at a point in time, and his 9ers continue to slough off the injury-laden detriments of weeks past racking up their 2nd victory in a row.

The matchup of the week had to have been the battle of the two remaining unbeaten Teams in Steel City at Titans. It was a squeaker of an affair (in a week full of them) that saw two powerhouse QBs clash will full might and an effective Big Ben escape with the W, albeit with 3 INTs including a crucial one the waning minutes of the 4th quarter that nearly sealed his fate. BUT a failed TEN field goal, a stainless steel Offense and a noteworthy outing by evergreen RB James Conner forced the Titans into the Loss column for once in 2020. PIT in 2020 is sizzling hot as the only 6–0 Team, TEN at 5–1 a few clicks cooler. Over at the Death Star in Vegas, the upstart Raiders were soundly thrown overboard by Buccs, 20–45. Tom Brady is now nearly back to form as is his connective tissue with his receivers including fabled TE Gronk which has Tampa Bay fans chanting in unison CHAMPa BAY. Easy Easy, wouldn’t wanna jinx yourselves this close to Halloween. Tampa Bay, your Lightning might have snagged the Stanley Cup but the Rays are on their heels and the NFL Season is still in it adolescence. So let’s dial that CHAMPa Bay bit back a touch, yes? Down in the ATL, a wild finish saw to it that the Falcons slink to the Lions, 22–23. An inadvertent TD from Falcons RB Todd Gurley late in the 4th left jussssst enough time for DET QB Matt Stafford to roar FTW. But at 3–3, the Lions are gonna have to roar a lot louder for anyone to hear them in the NCF North.

And in our customary Round Robin, the Chiefs roasted the Broncos, 43–16, despite a tepid Mahomes and oddly languid Offense. Much KC love to the team’s Defense who saved the day. Meanwhile, the Battle of Ohio witnessed the Brownies taking on the Bengals and it churned out surprisingly powerful performances from CLE QB Baker Mayfield and CIN QB Joe Burrow. A snapback from last week’s groan-inducing outing against the Steelers, Baker turned on the Offensive charm this week and silenced for at least 5 days all the negative Nates. Joe Burrow continues to impress in his debut year in spite of his Team’s horribly underwater 1–5 record. And that sound you hear are the cheers still echoing out of Glendale with ARI’s improbable victory over the previously unbeaten Seahawks. A surging Kyler Murray took full advantage of a muted Russell Wilson allowing the Cardinals to, ahem, sing like a bird. SEA can point to a barnburner of a showing from glue-trap-for-gloves REC Tyler Lockett (15/20 200 yards 3 TDs!) but little else in their OT 34–37 loss. SEA, at 5–1 is losing little sleep while ARI, at 5–2, is suddenly a thing AGAIN for the 2nd time this Season. Aaron Rodgers and the Packers snapped back from last week’s weird Loss to trounce the Texans, 35–20, while rookie LAC QB Justin Herbert continues his standout season in LA where JAX Minshewmania has been reduces to a murmur slightly above background noise. And finally, upstate Bills trampled over their downstate Jets who cower behind their BEYOND 0–7 record on the Season. QB Sam Darnold returned from a shoulder injury but needn’t have; his presence and impact were virtually non-existent except for his twin INTs and the 6 times he was sacked. Trainwreck. Express. Looks like Were gonna need some of those Dallas horse blinders here in the Garden State as well!